Oftentimes upsets break out between two people. It is not a good or bad thing; oftentimes it is the result of two people learning how to BE with each other and can be a sign of growth. But even with this in mind, there is a way to steer the relationship back into calm waters while passing through the rapids. Here are 7 Ways to Work It Out Peacefully With Your Partner:
1) In the middle of a fight, if he or you are saying mean things with the intent to hurt, understand that all violence is a call for help. There are many forms of violence and I am not just talking about the physical kind. If you have ever been passive aggressive with your partner, or did the whole ‘cold war’ thing where you don’t speak to them for a while, this is a kind of violence. It is usually backed by a desire to be right, to be acknowledged and/or to be loved. So understand this first and foremost: when any kind of violence (no matter how extreme or subtle) is always a call out for help.
It is very easy to react when someone we love isn’t speaking to us, or if they are speaking with an intent to hurt, but understanding that this is just a cry for help brings us back to our center; and it is from our center that we ourselves are solely responsible for bringing our ship into safe waters. It is not the others’ job… it is OUR job. Why? Because we deserve peace, and peace always begins with us (even if the other party is being difficult).
2) Commit to Working it out. Often in the throngs of heavy emotions we do and say things that we don’t mean. I myself have even broken up with people in the past over a little fight that could have been solved easily. So no matter how mad you are, commit to working it out with other. Not because they deserve it, or because it is the ‘right’ thing to do~ do it because there is love, and where there is love there is always a way. And again, it starts with you. Don’t blame your partner for not wanting to work it out~ this is a child-like reaction that many of us are guilty of. Don’t hold it over their head~ if they knew better they would do better.
3) Don’t take anything they say personally. When we are mad we say things we don’t mean, and it often escalates the more our egos come into play. We think things like, “I can’t believe he is doing this to me,” or “how can she treat me like a child,” and the more we perpetuate these thoughts the more heated we become. The best thing you can do to change the vibe of the conversation is to remain still and centered. In the end, no matter what they say it has nothing to do with you. Whatever unfolded was a result of triggers within each of you, and you still love each other no matter what, right? So even if he is slinging mud or if she is calling names, remain like a rock in a wind storm. Sooner or later, they will pick up your calm vibes and the heat will die down.
4) Look and see if there is something you are NEEDING from them and be sure that this need isn’t born from your own feeling of inadequacy. Many of us subscribe to an idea that love is romantic, but it isn’t always so. Because many of us have a preconceived idea about what a relationship should look like and how our partner should be, we don’t give them a chance to be who they are because we are too busy trying to fit them inside of our “You should do this and this and this,” box. Ask yourself,
“What am I needing from him?”
“Why do I feel that I need this?”
“Am I expecting something from him?”
Usually if we are expecting something from our partner such as a certain behavior or acknowledgment, it is stemming from our own inadequacy. Please note I am not calling anyone inadequate here. It is just that many of us go into a relationship looking for our ‘other half,’ and this cannot work. Another person can never fill us. We have to be willing to be full ourselves first, to be whole and complete unto ourselves and then enter a relationship. Otherwise it will always be us needing the other person to be a certain way or to act a certain way. And this isn’t fair to them or to us.
5) Always Take Responsibility first…even if they are unwilling. Ahhh that old phrase, “It takes two hands to clap,” really comes in handy here. What I have found in my work is that if I am willing to go there first, they are sure to follow. So this is where I take complete responsibility for what I am experiencing. In the end, it has nothing to do with my partner and everything to do with the filters that I am experiencing Life from. So instead of saying, “you are so disrespectful, I can’t believe you did that to me,” I will say something like, ” I am feeling sad and hurt, and it has nothing to do with you and everything to do with how I am seeing the situation. I love you, I want to work it out, and I acknowledge that though I think I am upset with you, it has nothing to do with you.” Now the doors are open and he or she is ready to work it out.
6) Commit to Peaceful Resolution. In the end, when you don’t attack your partner they don’t have a need to defend and attack you back. Usually fights and upsets escalate because one person starts slinging mud. And again, all violence is a call for help. We only have a desire to attack another if we feel like we are being attacked ourselves. Oftentimes this starts with us FEELING like we are being attacked when in actuality, we are not. Sometimes sensitive subjects trigger us to defend and attack the other~ but do your best to commit to peace instead. As Buddha once said, “Anger is like grabbing a hot coal with the intent to throw it at another, but you are the one that gets burned.”
7) Aikedo Them! Tell them what they did right in this situation first. My partner has this wonderful tool he uses with his bosses, clients and colleagues when he needs to discuss a sensitive subject with them and doesn’t want to get burned. We call it Aikedo! Basically, when we have to talk to someone about a potentially hairy topic and we are aware that their ego might be offended, we do the following:
Compliment, Compliment, Suggestion. In the end, some people can’t handle it when we come outright and say what it is we need to say. Some people need a little coaxing or reassurance. This is how you use Aikedo: Say your partner has a habit of always being late, and you want to talk about it without fighting, you can say to them, “(Compliment) You know sweetheart, I love that you are so passionate and committed about your work. It is one of the qualities I really admire about you. (Compliment) And I really appreciate that you always make time for me even when you are really busy. That means a lot to me. (Suggestion) I was thinking that perhaps we leave the house 10 minutes earlier in the morning so that we both can be on time and set each other up for success.”
Chances are they might feel from the start that you are up to something, but more often than not they will appreciate that you took the time and thoughtfulness to deliver your request with love and compassion. I can tell when my partner is Aikedoing me nowadays; and when he does, I usually interrupt him halfway through and say, “Hey! Quit Aikedoing me! Get to the point!” And then we both have a laugh. Keep in mind, this last tip is really for people who react to sensitive issues. If a person can handle the request from the get-go, then by all means skip this tip. =)
In summary, there are many ways we can steer our relationship into safe waters, but it really takes being patient, being centered, and being responsible in order to do this. You master these three things and you are good to go.
Because Life is Effortless,