It’s Not You! It’s Your Communication Style

Have you ever walked away from a conversation feeling completely misunderstood? You go over the details again and again in your mind. You think, why didn’t they see my point? YOU are not a bad person and yet there are times things escalate quicker than you would like them.

People misunderstand you in talking points, giving presentations or simply in expressing yourself to others. Relationships, professional or personal, can then suffer.

It’s Not You! It’s Your Communication.

Quick communication fixes–

1) Conflict resolution–

Anger is fear. When anger rises, it usually covers the emotion of fear. Example: When you were a kid and you were told “you better not do that!” it may have been out of concern for your safety. Aka that emotion of fear was then translated into anger to prevent the outcome of that fear. This is true for personal relationships. Our fears, insecurities and protection of vulnerability translates into anger. How do we change our anger or address the anger of another? It is simple. Get to their fears. That is the root of their problem. What is it that you are not saying? Your fears. Getting to the root can be this easy

Change “I’m angry that…” to “I’m afraid that…” This release tension and helps resolve conflict by getting to the root much faster. When you verbalize vulnerability, people are much more likely to become empathic with you. You get your problem solved much easier or at least break through to others much faster that way.

2) Empathy-

The blame game never works. Defense adds to defense. Each defense is a brick that builds a wall, slowly, between you and the other person. Instead of saying, “You…” start with yourself. Start with “I.” This may seem backwards from being empathic but watch how it unfolds…

YOU: (listening)

PERSON A: “You hurt my feelings by doing that.”

PERSON B: “I feel sad because…”

Now, which one are you more likely to feel empathy for? The one that began by blaming you or that began with the “I.” Switching the “You” to an “I” reveals vulnerability. It gets to the root, how they are really feeling. It does not begin with defense or saying “you.” To add the last point to this, instead of…

Person C: I am angry that…

Person D: I am afraid that…

Person D has it right! Reveal vulnerability = Reveal root.

Typically, in conflict resolution, we learn that people who focus on themselves are not to be exemplified. But in this case, starting with yourself is better

Here’s another example.

Beginning conflict–

YOU: (listening)

PERSON A: You did this and that…

PERSON B: I am sorry for doing this and for making you feel that…

Which beginning do you think is stronger and more likely to receive empathy? The one that focuses on themselves first! Ever hear that statement –point one finger at another, you have three fingers pointing back?

3) Mirror Me-

Body language is key. You want to mirror the other person’s to the best of your ability. This shows a “likeness.” Where there is identification of self, there is likely to be some idealization. Psychologically, this helps you get your point across. If the person is standing, stand too. Leveling, as unfair as it sounds, changes the power dynamic. If they are sitting, then sit. Don’t exert power over a person with your body language. That is intimidating. A great example is the rules for talking to young children. Educators are taught to “get on their level.” This means to actually bend down to a child’s level and look them in the eyes.

We must do this at every stage in life with every person. We must meet them where they are at. This starts with body language. This continues in all aspects of communication. Likeness creates favorability. Similar values, traits, etc. can all be mirrored in the right context if done with professionalism and tact.

4) Start with the positive–

Oh no, it’s time to conference with others about their work! I hope it will be taken well…


Start with the positive. If someone did ONE thing good that day or week, highlight it first. Think of yourself. Are you more likely to be open to another person if they point out your positives or focus first on your negatives? Unfortunately, it is not easy to not take critiques as “personal.” We all do. A complaint about our performance or behavior feels like a character dig. Are we not valuable as a person? Of course we are! We remind others of that by beginning with the positive, to ensure that they know that their value is acknowledged before critiquing their performance. As with young children, Piaget followers promote that we do not equate a child’s  behavior with worth or likability. Everyone is valuable. Do you really believe that? If not, then it’s time to start observing and putting on your listening ears! A key quality to any relationship building practice is to see another’s value. Are adjusting your directions and interactions to individual needs? If not, remember a one size fits all will not work. Each person you speak to will respond differently to you. You must realize that experience, emotional maturity, etc. differ in each individual and much like the title of this article, maybe it’s not them. Maybe it’s their communication.

5) Turn. Off. Your. Electronics.

Do NOT send an email!

Do NOT send a text!

Do NOT send a tweet!

Do NOT send a facebook message!

…Unless it is to ask to set up a time to talk about the issue in person, video chat or over the phone.That should do it. Wow, people really like your communication! I mean, you! :-)

good luck!

Share small business news, blogs and social media tips with Project Eve’s community of small business owners and entrepreneurs today. Our contributors come from a wide range of backgrounds; so whether you are a small business owner, social media strategist, financial adviser, serial entrepreneur, or write an amateur blog we urge you to contribute a blog to our 500,000+ community today. For more information, please refer to our Content Submissions Guidelines.

Add a Blog


  1. como ganhar na lotofacil, acertar na lotofacil, ganhar na lotofacil, como ganhar na lotofacil de verdade, como ganhar na lotofacil sempre, como ganhar na lotofacil 2020, como ganhar na lotofacil 100 garantido, dicas lotofacil, como acertar na lotofacil, dicas para ganhar na lotofacil

  2. Hey! I could have sworn I’ve been to this blog before but after checking through some of the post I
    realized it’s new to me. Nonetheless, I’m definitely glad I
    found it and I’ll be book-marking and checking back frequently!

  3. Attractive section of content. I just stumbled upon your web site
    and in accession capital to assert that I acquire in fact enjoyed account
    your blog posts. Anyway I will be subscribing to
    your augment and even I achievement you access consistently rapidly.

  4. The very next time I read a blog, Hopefully it does not disappoint me as much as this one. After all, I know it was my choice to read, however I truly thought you would have something interesting to talk about. All I hear is a bunch of crying about something you can fix if you were not too busy seeking attention.

  5. It is in reality a great and helpful piece of information. I’m happy that you shared this useful information with us. Please stay us up to date like this. Thanks for sharing.

  6. Excellent goods from you, man. I have have in mind your stuff previous to and you
    are simply too excellent. I really like what you have got right here, certainly like what you are saying and the way in which through which you assert
    it. You make it enjoyable and you continue to take care of to keep it
    wise. I cant wait to read much more from you. That is
    really a terrific site.

  7. I think this is one of the most vital information for me.
    And i’m glad reading your article. But want to remark on few general
    things, The site style is perfect, the articles is really great
    : D. Good job, cheers

  8. One thing is that often one of the most frequent incentives for using your credit card is a cash-back or rebate supply. Generally, you’re going to get 1-5 back in various expenses. Depending on the cards, you may get 1 again on most expenditures, and 5 back on expenses made in convenience stores, gasoline stations, grocery stores along with ‘member merchants’.

  9. I am no longer positive the place you’re getting your information, however good topic. I must spend a while studying more or working out more. Thanks for wonderful information I was on the lookout for this information for my mission.

  10. I’ve learned quite a few important things via your post. I’d personally also like to mention that there may be situation that you will have a loan and don’t need a co-signer such as a Federal Student Aid Loan. When you are getting a loan through a standard creditor then you need to be prepared to have a cosigner ready to help you. The lenders may base any decision on a few factors but the most significant will be your credit rating. There are some lenders that will furthermore look at your job history and come to a decision based on this but in many cases it will hinge on your scores.

  11. 830956 615119I will correct away grasp your rss as I can not in locating your e-mail subscription hyperlink or e-newsletter service. Do youve any? Kindly permit me realize so that I could subscribe. Thanks. 932453

  12. I love your blog.. very nice colors & theme. Did you make this website yourself or did you hire someone to do it for you? Plz answer back as I’m looking to design my own blog and would like to know where u got this from. kudos

  13. Wow that was odd. I just wrote an incredibly long comment but after I clicked submit my comment didn’t show up. Grrrr… well I’m not writing all that over again. Regardless, just wanted to say great blog!

  14. Awesome blog! Is your theme custom made or did you download it from somewhere? A theme like yours with a few simple adjustements would really make my blog shine. Please let me know where you got your theme. Kudos

  15. One thing I’d like to say is the fact car insurance canceling is a feared experience so if you’re doing the appropriate things as a driver you simply will not get one. Many people do obtain notice that they have been officially dumped by their insurance company they have to fight to get extra insurance after a cancellation. Low-priced auto insurance rates are generally hard to get from a cancellation. Having the main reasons for auto insurance cancellations can help individuals prevent getting rid of in one of the most critical privileges available. Thanks for the ideas shared via your blog.

  16. Thanks a bunch for sharing this with all of us you actually know what you’re talking about! Bookmarked. Kindly also visit my website =). We could have a link exchange agreement between us!

  17. Thanks for one’s marvelous posting! I genuinely enjoyed reading it, you could be a great author.I will remember to bookmark your blog and will come back sometime soon. I want to encourage one to continue your great posts, have a nice morning!

  18. Excellent post but I was wanting to know if you could write a litte more on this subject? I’d be very thankful if you could elaborate a little bit more. Bless you!

  19. Have you ever thought about writing an e-book or guest authoring on other sites? I have a blog centered on the same information you discuss and would really like to have you share some stories/information. I know my visitors would appreciate your work. If you’re even remotely interested, feel free to send me an e-mail.

  20. Fantastic items from you, man. I’ve bear in mind your stuff prior to and you’re simply too great. I really like what you have got here, really like what you are saying and the best way by which you assert it. You make it entertaining and you continue to care for to stay it smart. I can’t wait to learn far more from you. That is really a tremendous website.

  21. Certainly I like your web site, but you have to test the spelling on quite a few of your posts. Several of them are rife with spelling problems and I find it very bothersome to inform you. Nevertheless I’ll definitely come again again!


Please enter your comment!
Please enter your name here