Taking Back ALL of My Power.
A few months ago, my husband Chris Styles, and I decided that we would share Our Love Story via blog and podcast on our website. We decided to do this as we had experienced so much before we meet, and then had everything including the kitchen sink thrown at us in our relationship thereafter.
We often hear how “Hindsight is an exact science, and if I knew now what when I did that, I wouldn’t have done it!” Rubbish, you had to do it to learn what you know now the secret is, to not do it again. But often we repeat an experience in varying different ways, over and over, each time the outcome harder, more extreme, because we don’t learn.
Chris and I learnt many things, the hard way until we began our journey together and we love sharing our experiences, we have learnt that experience really is, “knowing what not to do!” We share this by way of short blogs and podcasts.
Today I am sharing part of my story, where I came to the realisation that although I had come so far, there was a part of me still holding onto the after effects of catastrophic decision, for a little self-flagellation, oh how we women do like to hold on to a little bit of guilt in some way or another.
Tell me, what do you see if you look at my picture? What do people who know me see when they look at me? Do people know me at all, now there’s a question? The answer is not really, because I have only begun to know myself in the past few years?
Having had a 17 year career in the advertising media, acquaintances from that world would see a woman who made it, and then lost it, both part true, but not the truth. If I ask my children, one might say, a great mother that gave so much for them to have the best I could give them. One might say I banished them to another country when they had problems, and the other might say that I didn’t give enough, that I wasn’t there. None of them would be right, and none of them would be wrong. I just did the best I could, I survived. Friends and family, some who I disappointed, and some, who disappointed me, see a woman they think has lost her mind. But not me I see a woman who has finally found it! I asked my husband Chris, and he said, “I see a loving caring person who has triumphed over extreme adversity and who acquired tremendous wisdom through all this, wisdom that she now generously shares with others.” You can see why he’s a keeper.
There’s always gossip about other people’s mistakes, their failures and oh how people love to embellish on the how, the why, and revel in their misery. They finish off conversations with a sigh and a comment “oh well, she’s a survivor, I mean look at what she has overcome?” Well I’m not, I’m not a survivor any more, and I’m tired of surviving I want to start living. In order to do this I am going to be brave, braver than you can imagine, because I am going to let it all go and take back ALL my power.
When you look at me I will tell you what you don’t see. You don’t see the little girl abused at the hands of her mother’s continuous string of boyfriends. The little girl who became the mother of her half-brother when she was just seven years old, and the housekeeper and cook who took over running the family at eight years old. You don’t see the teenager so desperate to get away, form the lifestyle and emotional bullying from her mother that she found a boy, got pregnant and married. You don’t see the young single mother divorced at 26, who couldn’t make ends meet, so she worked three to four jobs and sold everything that offered commission that she could, all to survive. You don’t see the woman so afraid of a real relationship that she became the mistress of a married man. You don’t see the woman so little internal self-worth, that she allowed all of those around her to bully her, friends, family, children and business partners. You don’t see the woman so desperate for affection that she invited a conman into her life, a man that cost her millions. You don’t see the woman who when she found her Prince Charming, the real one, jumped in with both feet, and then began a journey where they both had to face their demons. You don’t see the woman who was then so desperate to catch up to the “Jones’s” that she made a decision, a HUGE decision, and the most financially destructive decision of her life. A decision that lead to catastrophic failure.
But this is the decision that has taught me about myself, how to know and like me, how to love me. How to accept responsibility and not blame, how to pick up the pieces and respect the life I have and who I am. What has this failure taught me? It’s taught me to understand that I was a product of my environment, the one that nurtured me. That all the things I felt were learned, programmed and conditioned into me by an environment that didn’t want the best for me. It’s taught me that I needed to learn how to think, how to use my mind the right way in order to get the results that I wanted. It has taught me self-worth, and self-love. It taught me that I deserved the success that had come into my life. It taught me why I felt the way I did about money. It taught me to learn about money, and respect it, but not to covet it, it has taught me that money will come to me again, more than before for, and it has taught me how to make money stay in my life. It taught me how to create the me I want to be as a person, in my relationships, in my business and with regard to money, all by using the power of my mind. I haven’t stopped learning though, it’s a continuous process.
Because of this failure, I have studied as a Master Life Coach in South Africa using Tony Robbins methods, I have certified under Bob Proctor, in Toronto, and I’ve studied and continue to study the greats in Personal Development interviewing and interacting with Dr John DeMartini, Scott Harris, Andy Harrington, Loral Langemeier, Robert Alan, Harv Eker, some of the greatest Success Life Masters in the world. Was the decision a catastrophic failure? I think not!
I have learned so much, I have achieved so much, it was wonderful to regain so much control over who I was and am, but I still had the feeling that I was only surviving. That decision had taken everything from us materially, and we still have commitments to fulfil against. We were robbing Peter to pay Paul, we’re being dragged down by the past. I realised I was accepting blame, not responsibility for this. We were doing everything we could to fulfil against the past, fulfil against the FAILURE, and fulfil for our survival. I was trying to understand why I was finding it so difficult to let this go. Was it shame or embarrassment, no, hard as it is to understand for some, I wouldn’t change what happened? I think it’s the guilt of final acknowledgement of a specific failure, mixed with the skewed sense of honour in doing the right thing, but if what you are doing is crushing you, then you are not doing the right things for you. Not only that, you can’t move forward and accept the new success waiting for you, if you have one foot in the past, and one in the present. You have to step out of the past and regroup.
So I’m drawing a line in the sand and saying I can’t carry on under these conditions right now, I’m laying down the blame. I am accepting the responsibility; I have made every effort and for now everyone will have to wait, wait for us to regroup, and to get more resources. I have learnt that that even if you can’t repay someone now, as long as you have made the commitment to repay them with interest, it doesn’t matter what they say or believe, what matters is what you say, believe and ultimately deliver.
Every day around the world many single parents, couples and families are drowning in their survival! In doing this I know that I have all the power to create my and our success, and if I can do it, so can you.
When I look in the mirror now, what do I see? I see a woman who is a Life Master, who has experienced so much, who really knows what IT feels like, whatever your IT maybe I know how you feel. I see a woman who has triumphed and has so much to share.