To Spank or not to Spanx?

I looked and looked on the web for the lack of love I have for spanx to be shared by someone, there was some confusion expressed around the fact that they are uncomfortable (ermmm no kidding?!!)….where are all the feminists??
What I did discover is we made this lady a gazillion dollars, which is fine, power to you Mrs Spanx… no love lost there
Not anywhere did I hear outrage over the ridiculousness of the dreaded spanx.
Ladies, spanx should be renamed ‘the skinny girl spanx’, or ‘get spanx-ed by your spanx’
Who can wear these ill fitting, always too tight, bulge enhancing, red sore line inducing, not to mention unfortunate piece of ”lingerie”, dare I call it that?

Spanx are more like scaffolding for a lamp post not a building & I am definitely more like a mid century building!!
Hell, at least scaffolding holds things up.
Spanx holds things ‘in’ which do not want to be held ‘in’

Who wears these blood circulatory restricting garments? – oh yes, I know who wears them…the skinny bitch we love to hate, or catwalk models, or A LIST super stars, well they don’t/can’t eat anything for fear of being a size that doesn’t start and end with a zero

Women..ladies….you know I would rather do liposuction and plastic surgery & 15 000 hours of vela treatment, (yes cellulite is my next best friend) than be caught in a pair of these spanking spanx

Spanx don’t like me, and I don’t like when something dosen’t like me
Having spent most of my life looking for people who like me, or seeking approval from people who could potentially like me, or just wanting to be liked, let me tell you, spanx is not one of them…spanx hate my fat thighs, and spanx do nothing for my self esteem, spanx are like condoms are to men…

Condoms are awkward, there is no way to sex up the condom, it’s the cellophane wrap from hell, it saves you from unplanned pregnancies, STD’s and other such issues but they’re awkward and timely and can really kill the moment, just like a pair of spanx…

Firstly, you’re sweating whilst applying them to said body, then once you’re in there is no getting out, then you apply and I do mean ‘apply’ dress over said layer of stupid Spanx and then you are more hot and sweaty than when you started out and then you’re going to be super duper hot all evening and let’s face it why are you wearing spanx? Well it may be a red carpet debut….or it may just be you want to look hot for the guy over there, yup that one the one sitting right-over-there. Guess what, he thinks you’re hot, he actually loves your curvalicious body that you just spent $50 on hiding and then he notices that maybe you’re a little sweaty (thanks Spanx) and maybe a little buldgy in rather odd places like mid thigh (thanx spanx) and then he thinks ”noooo” it’s cool, she’s hot,  and that body is banging, atleast you know he wants to, you know ”bang” – he makes a move and you guys share cocktails and other such things and maybe some kissing and then he slides his hand onto your knee and then a little up your leg and then you jump a mile, right right??????
YOU know you do, why?
Because you’re wearing the most hideous undergarments known to women kind and guess what they don’t even work and you’re sweaty and itchy and rolls are popping up from places they wouldn’t normally, you don’t get a bulge mid thigh trust me, that’s – not – normal….mid-drift yes mid thigh no….
So there you go BUZZ KILL, he thinks he’s offfended you, he backs off, you’re horny, he’s not and opportunity cost of spanx= no getting jiggy with it tonight or anytime soon, not until you enjoy the body you have
There it is women, I said it, what did I say?? Is it even possible for any of us to do this, but I will say it again –  enjoy your body it’s beautiful and perfectly perfect and perfectly imperfect in every way

Do I love my body? Er…Nope

Should I love my body? Yup!

Well, its blatantly obvious which part I am not thrilled with, even my not so kind tongued aunts told me, ‘wow what thick calfs you have’ and they were not talking about the cows off spring, rather me….yup and I don’t produce milk no more either!

Ladies enjoy your body the day of the size 0 needs to be over and we need to return to normal healthy BALANCED eating patterns, now I am not ever going to advocate gorging on junk, you eat junk you become it….balance ladies balance….a little bit of everything and a little bit of nothing and I know I sound so contrary and cliche, BUT
”we  need to love ourselves if we don’t no one else is going to”, it’s true, ever tried loving someone who doesn’t love themselves, yup, not a very successful union right?

Over and out spanx, it’s been tough but you know you got to go…

I am a Personal fashion stylist, Nutritionist, Speaker, Writer, personal shopper volunteer at Dress for Success. My Focus: Have women create their own brand, voice, style & confidence.


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